We're Only As Sick As Our Secrets
Most of my life has been spent covering up secrets, lies, and shameful deeds. It was only recently that I realized how much shame was effecting me, poisoning me, dictating everything I did and said, even when I got sober. When I was still drinking, all the "bad" things I had done was what really kept me using, and my warped mind catergorized the partying under "fun" so I could go on ignoring all my uncomfortable emotions.
Today I drove to my sponsor's house with a tense body and a nervous mind. For the past two weeks I've been writing my 4th step, which consisted basically of going back through my entire life and writing out all resentments, against others and against myself. It was really in-depth, and I cried/got angry a lot. But I did it with all of the rigor I could muster, and I reaped the benefits of that honesty this afternoon when I did my 5th step: "admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."
My sponsor sat in a chair and I sat on the floor, and we drank mint tea in her sunny office as I read from my journal for several hours, sometimes crying, sometimes laughing, often embaressed. I told all the stories of my childhood that still bothered me, like getting rejected by my crush in elementary school and being teased in middle school, and all kinds of small events that would seem like nothing, but actually were something. Everything that has happened to me in my life has effected me, and all the decisions I make from now on will continue to change and dictate my life. This experience was just another indicator that everything I do, say and consume is important.
As I finished reading out loud my most private thoughts and deeds, many that I have never told anyone, I felt this enormous, all consuming, all pervasive feeling of relief and peace. There's something magical about telling a secret, whether its good or bad. It was like that car I vandalized, that one night stand, that bracelet I stole... it is all a part of my past, yes, but it is somehow, by the grace of my God, no longer a part of my present. There were many times when I was reading I wanted to skip over parts! I did a couple times, but something made me stop, say "I skipped over something," and go back to read whatever awful thing I'd thought I'd done.
I realize that most of the situations and people that I've been resentful and embaressed about for so long, really aren't important anymore, and aren't any reason for me to be carrying around shame for another second! I am a good person, and a nice girl, and I deserve happiness, respect, love, and success. I let others and my lower ego convince me otherwise for many years.
Even though it was really scary, I did my 4th and 5th Step. I gave the results up to my Higher Power as best as I could, hoping beyond all hope, thinking: can I really share this much of myself and not be judged? I looked into my sponsor's kind, loving face about halfway through my reading, and I asked, "Do you hate me yet?" She said, "No, I don't hate you. I love you all the more."
Oh, to be loved even when sharing darkness.
Today I drove to my sponsor's house with a tense body and a nervous mind. For the past two weeks I've been writing my 4th step, which consisted basically of going back through my entire life and writing out all resentments, against others and against myself. It was really in-depth, and I cried/got angry a lot. But I did it with all of the rigor I could muster, and I reaped the benefits of that honesty this afternoon when I did my 5th step: "admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs."
My sponsor sat in a chair and I sat on the floor, and we drank mint tea in her sunny office as I read from my journal for several hours, sometimes crying, sometimes laughing, often embaressed. I told all the stories of my childhood that still bothered me, like getting rejected by my crush in elementary school and being teased in middle school, and all kinds of small events that would seem like nothing, but actually were something. Everything that has happened to me in my life has effected me, and all the decisions I make from now on will continue to change and dictate my life. This experience was just another indicator that everything I do, say and consume is important.
As I finished reading out loud my most private thoughts and deeds, many that I have never told anyone, I felt this enormous, all consuming, all pervasive feeling of relief and peace. There's something magical about telling a secret, whether its good or bad. It was like that car I vandalized, that one night stand, that bracelet I stole... it is all a part of my past, yes, but it is somehow, by the grace of my God, no longer a part of my present. There were many times when I was reading I wanted to skip over parts! I did a couple times, but something made me stop, say "I skipped over something," and go back to read whatever awful thing I'd thought I'd done.
I realize that most of the situations and people that I've been resentful and embaressed about for so long, really aren't important anymore, and aren't any reason for me to be carrying around shame for another second! I am a good person, and a nice girl, and I deserve happiness, respect, love, and success. I let others and my lower ego convince me otherwise for many years.
Even though it was really scary, I did my 4th and 5th Step. I gave the results up to my Higher Power as best as I could, hoping beyond all hope, thinking: can I really share this much of myself and not be judged? I looked into my sponsor's kind, loving face about halfway through my reading, and I asked, "Do you hate me yet?" She said, "No, I don't hate you. I love you all the more."
Oh, to be loved even when sharing darkness.