Honestly, I have no other choice. I either give my whole heart, my whole being, my whole life, every moment of every day to my God and to the possibility of freedom, or I will be back with my head in the drink and my body in an unfamiliar bed.


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Ultimately, that's what I want, no matter what my ego tries to whisper in my ear. My ego tells me I have to be right, that I have to be the best, that I had better get the most food and the best boyfriend and the most money, because everyone is going to eventually screw me over, God isn't all-powerful, and then all I will have is the material things I have collected, which will make me happy.



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How wonderful it is to know that all I have to do is offer up a smile, a kind greeting, a comforting touch, or even just silence instead of violence, and I will see peace in another, and thus have peace in myself. It feels like mystery solved! The true answer to happiness.


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I want to be free. I'll do anything to have peace, serenity, and happiness. I've gotten a taste of that in recovery, but I know to continue on I must face the pain. It is like a daunting mountain in me, but I'm going to muster all the faith, all the strength, and all the courage that I have to trust in my God that I will be taken care of, and that everything is going to turn out okay, no matter what horrors I may have repressed.


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I know, I know. Any Chinese takeout fortune cookie can say that, but it wasn't until that moment that I truly UNDERSTOOD what that fact actually meant. Initially, I cried harder, because I understood more clearly what I have known since that day when I was 7 years old: that I am solely responsible for how I feel at any given moment.


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Just like love, like friendship, like my writing process, I reap the most rewards when I do things slowly, steadily and thoroughly. I don't always do this, but my goal for the day is to slow down and let myself make mistakes, be angry, eat too fast, etc. and not beat myself up for it. 


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I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to be uptight, angry, selfish and anxious. I don't want to be resentful. I just want peace. I want to be able to wake up in the morning with a quiet mind, I want to actually enjoy being inside my head. 


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My self-pity didn't let me believe that I was a strong and beautiful young woman. It had me convinced that I was worthless, and so I drank and used to try and drown the self-pity. But pity has gills!

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It's even worse when I know that I'm doing something wrong when I'm doing it, and then it gets pointed out! Especially with yoga postures and when writing query letters to magazines. I'm living in a house with four Yoga teachers, it is inevitable that I will not be in proper form at some point and they'll correct me. Perfectly reasonable! They're being helpful! Still, my ego makes a face.

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